The mid-term primaries are officially over and the Tea Party rebellion has undercut the Washington DC and state Republican establishment in many showdowns supplanting brand-bland GOP candidates for a new “GOP” (Got Outright Pissed) off at the status quo of the Grand Old Party pontificant pachyderms: “You’re outtah here!”
There are rogue elephants jostling the GOP elephant cage excited about uprooting the Republican and Democratic Party’s hold on the House of Representatives “and” the Senate in the midterms. “Rove-ing” patriarchs of the herd have let slip the renegade cows and bulls on the Donkey-crats a bit worried about seeing themselves thrown upon the pointed scimitar ivory of their stampede. The Republican brand has gone “Rand” app-Paul-ing. Rand Paul, son of Ron, might win a US Senate seat for Republicans in name only. Can a Rogue Elephant be tamed in the Washington political zookeepers? Could Faust out FOX NEWS Mephistopheles?
Elephant herds are run by a matriarch so it behooves those full of bull elephant selves in Washington DC not to take former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin for granted. Many of her endorsed Tea Party politicos have stomped old-guard GOP candidates into her political pay dirt. Especially Tea Party female candidates she calls “Pink Elephants”, such as, Christian creationist and reformed masturbating Wiccan dabbler, Christi O’Donnell, who trunk whipped former Republican Governor and longest serving Delaware US Congressman, Mike Castle, for a run at the Democrat held US Senate seat once occupied by Vice President Joe Biden.
There’s another Palin pick, American East Indian GOP elephant, Nikki Haley, who stomped Republican Gresham Barrett for a November run for South Carolina’s governor seat against Democrat Vincent Sheheen. Californian Palinista Carly Fiorina tusked and pitched Chuck DeVore out of the way for US Senate to give Democrat US California Senator Barbara Boxer a serious challenge. Let us not forget Palinesque Nevada’s anti-Darwin, chicken bartering economist — the avenging Sharron Angle angel of Demo-death — has a real chance to unseat the Dimpy dogged Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.
At the time of this writing, there’s six weeks and two days left before the midterm elections. I will be up to my own elephantine ears in forecasts attached to the seven or eight blogs planned.
It might be time to ruffle the fragile belief systems of Dumbopublicans and Donkeycrats and Tea Baggers alike by reprising a prophetic satire posted exactly one year and five months ago on 18 and 22 April 2009. I review today my naughty and nebulous ersatz biblical predictions, cast as a jiving-prescient joke-in-earnest. It has a lot more forbearing bang for its bucks and kicks delivered to the asinine Left, and rogue elephant Right, right now. It also forecast Sarah Palin ascendant. She has become a real king and queen maker and perhaps a president grizzly running in 2012.
This week [18 April 2009] Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin made her intentions clear that she aims to unseat President Obama in the Mayan Calendar end-time year of the 2012 presidential elections.
She felt it politically expedient for her future ambitions to risk a political setback in Alaska by attending Vanderburgh County Right to Life banquet in Indiana where she wowed a sell out conservative audience packed with key fundraising Pro-lifers. Her absence from Juneau may have cost her. The Alaskan legislators voted down her choice for Attorney General in a close vote that her presence on the job as governor might have carried.
I now wonder what a Palin run would do for the Republican Party. Divining an answer requires something completely different in today’s blog entry.
I’m only joking, and, as usual, I’m joking in earnest. So, I’m sure to push as many buttons as I poke funny bones with…this prophecy from a great, yet little known, Elephant-headed sage of the Grand Old Party.
Thus spake Willie Horton Heares A. Hooey, in Chapter 11, verse 86-ed of the Book of GOPre-gurgelation:
“Friends, Rednecks, countrymen! Lend me your Grand Old Party Elephant ears!”
The crowd settled in a hush-Rush of Limbau-awe, for that old Elephant had a long memory of all things wise and Republican that went all the way back to Abe Lincoln, who in the Civil War put their party on the political map by pretending to be the return of Barack Obama.
“I have not come to praise Sarah Palin’s political aspirations,” said Willie Horton H.A.H., “but to bury them, for the sake of our party’s future.
“Take this not as a dagger in the breast from someone ‘et tu Brutish,’ for she is an honorable, righteously evangelical, Gabriel-blowing-her-apocalyptical-horn right-winging daughter of our base Republican platform for many a moon, since Moses parted the Ralph Sea of Reeds and our Grand Old Party of fair conservative values was Lynchburg Virginia-ed by a new Moral Majority in the 1980s when the Gingrich stole Democrat Christmas in 1994 midterm elections.
“Take not our daughter from Wasilla Mooselands to Carl Rove the nether lands of Washington AC DC! For I fear she shall make such an end of the Party of Lincoln, in a bid to unseat the new Lincoln from Illinois in 2012 if we doth boost her head large and insufferably full with the AIGues of attack politics and girdle her loins with a big fat Bible Belt.
“I hear the braying prayers of Donkeycrats in the lower, nether, 48 states, that we should be so ill advised to pander to our Republican base beliefs of straight and narrow ‘e pluribus polarity Unum’ of faith based presidencies over fact based policies.
“Well! Burn my flag and go gay in the military, ladies and gentlemen of our Grand Old Party, we must return to our fundamentals.
“The Union is Bushed and tired of the apocalyptic path that got us into power unto now. To believe we can drag this dead cat canon around will only aid in our land becoming completely Donkeycratatonic.
“That is just what they want us to do, those blue Brutus hoof-in-mouth meanies of liberal mushiness.
“It is time to stop Nixing our Nixons. Let’s eak out our Ikes. Yes, folks! You can pat the Buchanans but heed the call to a new Republican Apostle Paul, (Ron Paul, that is) and drive forward in eco-hybrid Humvee shining, with eyes forward, cast on the rear view mirror back into that good Goldwater future.
“Let us return to the virtues of actually being conservatives, defenders of individual freedoms, and fiscally responsible government that worked. Keep your faith unto God, not flash, and wave it around unto legislation. Let God judge — not us –who is going to abortion hell in a hand plastic basket bag.
“We have gone all Donkeycratic in our nation building, heart bleeding and deficit spending and have felt the sting of the voter that giveth and thus taketh away the House, Senate and that shining White House on a hill.
“These are the times to try a Dumbopublican tail. We must for a presidential cycle or two, walk through the valley in the shadow of the Left, but we shall fear no evil, unless we should stumble in tundra and tear out our hair in strident Caribou-hoos!
“Let not the Donkeycrat’s choice for Republican candidate in 2012 be riding a Palin horse of political apocalypse. May not this rider destroy a third of the Republican skies, a third of the Republican waters and a third of the Republican seats in House and Senate, because only our baser party stalwarts voted in 2012 and we got only a third of the popular vote against Obama who thus won his second term.
“The Mayan Calendar says doomsday is off 12 years. Not 2000 but in 2012 it falls, on the Winter Solstice: 21 December.
“But Lo! My friends. Lend a Dumbopublican ear. Doomsday comes a little over a month earlier for our Grand Old Party on the first Tuesday of that November 2012!
“I have seen a vision of four horsemen of Republican apocalypse!!”
The assembled convention leaned forward. It was so quiet that you could hear a “Bush Sucks” political pin drop…The silence in heaven and on earth lasted [for four days when I then posted part two on 22 April 2009]:
Thus continued the great Elephant-headed prophet of the GOP, Willie Horton Heares A. Hooey, in Chapter 11, verse 86-ed in the deep 6-tenths of the Book of GOPre-gurgelation:
“I have seen a vision of four horsemen of Republican apocalypse in the election to come in 2012!!
“And there before my eyes was a white horse and its rider was a Hollywood cowboy hero who had been upstaged by a chimpanzee in the movie ‘Bedtime for Bonzo’.
“And there before my eyes a second horse came forth, all red whose lean rider had in his hand a great sword that could slash a quarter of our taxes, but he cried ‘read my lips! No new taxes!!’ and was no more, for he taxed us, hard, and fell in 1992 to that great New Bubba-lon and his scarlet Hillary-harlot for two terms until they were cast out.
“And there then before my eyes came a third and black horse. Its rider was Bonzo, choking on a pretzel.
“In Bonzo’s hand was a book called ‘My pet Goat’ and there was much shock and awe, and bailouts, and most-un-Republican behavior, sins of stock market gambling, nation building, money throwing at lobbyists and many other unconservative sins of that naughty monkey that the hero on the white horse had released upon the land.
“Now hear ye well fellow GOPs for three horses have passed and one final and fourth horse of the Republican apocalypse is yet to ride.
“The creature wore proudly her $10,000 dress in times of economic troubles, with Gucci mittens, and those nice Ugg boots and, eoooow! Like, even, a parka from Rodeo Drive too, gosh darn it!
“And in a wink or two coming from the Palin rider, I knew that with her rode political death for our party if Satan’s Donkeycrats should get their baying prayer fulfilled lest we forget our GOP-glories past and pick her to run for president in 2012.”
Willie Horton Heares A. Hooey, The Great Dumbopubican Sage
To be fair, we will hear from that Donkeycratic seer Jack Asser bin-Winning in due time, to rant apocalyptic on the Left when stimuli are numb and Obama bailouts bust.
Consult also the Holy Book of Jerrymander to divine further details about the future of Sarah Palin.
(19 September 2010)
PS—Further forecasts of Donkeycratic nasty surprises and Dumbopublican resurrections can be found HERE.
Read my Predictions for 2012: