The Prophet “Jerrymander”
Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin set up a political action committee the other day, gosh-darn-it. Looks like she’s got the apocalyptic locus by the antennae to make a Book-of-Revelation run for the presidency on the Mayan Calendar doomsday year 2012, you betcha!
Well, golly gee! That means your intrepid augur must “entrail” a prophetic jest or two out of destiny’s cull. I must foretell a gut prophecy from the great biblical seer Jerrymander that might temper the ambitions of Sarah because I like her too much to see her dragged down to the Sodom and GOP-morah morass of special interests in Belt Town:
Thus Spake Jerrymander:
The old-think Republican Party leaders’ great “ripe” hope is an Alaskan wilderness girl. The moguls of freely-licentious markets past want to make her “Jane” the Civilized, but really, she is Tarzanette, Queen of the Alaskan Tundra. She has a certain primal innocence that is attractive to the jaded ideologically civilized politicos of the right. Do not despoil her with your $10,000 wardrobes or try to un-Annie her straight moose shooting Oakley ways. Stop dressing her up fancy; let her dress her own shot meat, please.
If your party wishes to make her run for president in 2012, then you must become Neanderthals in her clan of the Kodiak cave bear. But that is not your intent. You want to put lipstick on this Pygmalion Hockey Mom.
You civilized cynics; you Dumbopublicans cast out by the age of Dubya, want to temper and “aquila rampax” her natural wonders. (For all you unprogressive GOP Alaskan pigeons, whom the lower 48 call Bald Eagles, that’s Latin for making her a politically rapacious American Eagle totem of your past tense times.
Better that she doesn’t leave the wilds of Alaska, like Tarzan was forced to do, plucked out of his jungle habitat, stripped of his leopard loincloth to doff a Victorian fop hat and “tales” as Lord of Greystroke in the classic novel of his fictional birth.
Sarah might be a child of the lower 48, being that she was born in Idaho. Then her dad loaded up the truck and they moved to Aurora Borealis Land where she became queen of big bear rainforest country. I don’t know if dragging her back to civilization might not end in a funnier political variation of the Tarzan of Greystroke tragedy. Sheba Queen of the Jungle shorn and chique? Borealis Brunnhilde without her horns? Wasilla’s Weena of rainforest Green Mansions whiling her time away with Washington Wonks?
Do not corrupt a force of nature.
Please desist the reeducation by right wing “GOPs” of out-of-date ideological leanings in the civilized world of the lower forty-eight. Don’t eighty-six the Wasilla wilderness wench with your ragin’-Reagan hopes. It is time to create a new Republican Party. If you must go back to the future, Goldwater yourselves! It is better to err-Izona, than AK-alaska-tack the Barack Obamagogue in the next presidential elections.
Well, Pat my Buchanan!
Don’t put a pinch in Palin’s mukluks. Don’t tempt her to pull up her Anchorage. Don’t sic-Sitka the lobbyists Nabobs of Washington DC on her aching AK.
If you put that hulking Denali mosquito buzz of ambition in her furry bonnet, she’ll lose herself down here in lower America.
She’s not the great Dumbopublican hope. She’s just a simple, hunter-gatherer in all her bright eyed and bushy Scrat squirrelly tailed glory. Don’t tame Tundra Tarzan into another plain red-Republican Jane. Leave her AK-corn alone!
Her quirky can-do caribou ways work in an Alaskan world. And if I were living up there, I’d vote for her to stay as my governor of big number 49 rather than have you Washington GOP types 69 her in dreams of overlording the lower 48 plus Obama’s Hawaii 5-0.
Alaska’s her place and I would like to keep her there, yes, you betcha! (Wink!) Not Washington DC. Eeooo! Why try turning the purse strings of a great Alaskan governor into a sows pork barrel ear in Washington DC? That ain’t AC dee-scent! Keep her Federal Flintstones AK B.C.! OK?
The Great Prophet Jerrymander
“Chunneled” by John Hogue
(09 February 2009)
PS–more down to earth prophetic essay on how the Republican Party might regain its power can be read in Chapter Six of my new book Predictions for 2009.
UPDATE 01/23/10–See how accurate 2009 was in Predictions for 2010