A Doomsday Christmas Carol (Just Kidding)

Friends,
Happy abducted and sanctified pagan holidays to you all. Today is Christmas 2002, the purported day of Christ’s birth. Whatever your historical, political, or religiously conditioned motivations may be for celebrating this day, I hope you are having the best Christmas ever. It doesn’t matter that Christian bishops stole this pagan celebration of the winter solstice and burning the Yule Time log a few millennia ago. They wanted to market their new religion on the same day and join the fun. Nor does it matter that accounts of the Christian apostles in the New Testament about the birth of Christ have shepherds tending their flocks in the high hills of Bethlehem during winter, and that your Christmas crèche has livestock that should be grazing in fields down in the lowlands of Judea in late December. It isn’t important, at least to me, that sheep and shepherds didn’t, as the bible says, “tend to their flocks” in the environs of Bethlehem until March each year, or that Jesus isn’t a Capricorn but Pisces.

What matters is celebrating your life and each other, and for that, any excuse for celebration and giving on any day is perfectly right.

As this may be the last peaceful Christmas before all hell breaks loose in Bethlehem and the Middle East, I thought I might share with you all an important insight as a Christmas gift.

When studying prophecy one must cultivate a sense of humor.

In my current avocation as a prophecy scholar, I have read just about every which way seers of the last 10,000 years predict the end of the world. I for one don’t believe the world will end. Steps in our evolution end. There will ever be times of travail and evolutionary challenge for the human race.

We are in an evolutionary crisis right now. A prophecy scholar can have great empathy for what we all will soon suffer in the future. You can despair the signs ignored of a coming global warming disaster, world famine, rising oceans, and people caught again in a war hysteria that could trigger 27-years of terror. You can be saddened and frustrated when people keep stumbling in their predictable unconscious ways towards one abyss after another. However, if you study prophecy, you must retain in your heart of hearts a sense of humor. If you can’t laugh at doomsday, what can you laugh at? Otherwise, one cannot look beyond the pain and serial stupidity of our predictable nature for understanding and positive solutions.

Today, as my Christmas gift to you all, I’d like to test just how much you can laugh at doomsday.

The doomsday scripture lampooned in a black-as-sackcloth satire below is the Book of Revelation. There are reasons why.

St John the Divine, its author, in Revelation 13:18 wrote out clear instructions for decoding 666, the number of the beast. In so doing he has put into question any use of this prophecy for our times.

St John says, “Here is the key; and anyone who has intelligence may work out the number of the beast. The number represents a man’s name and the numerical value of its letters is 666.”

Before the Arabs created numbers, the ancients gave numerical values to letters. Thus 666 doesn’t spell out the name of some future antichrist. The numerical equivalent of 666 spells “Nero Caesar” in Hebrew letters! The Antichrist was meant to be Emperor Nero.

The Book of Revelation may be a failed doomsday prediction for events and people from St. John’s time 2,000 years ago, and not ours. So, with this “revelation” considered, and with my tongue (some might say “forked tongue”) in my cheek, I invite you to sing a Christmas Carol lampooning the Book of Revelation. If its prophecies have passed their day of doom long ago, then we have something to laugh at and celebrate: Peace on earth. (No doomsday) And goodwill to all.


A DOOMSDAY CHRISTMAS CAROL
Lyrics by John Hogue
(Sung to Twelve Days of Christmas)

On the first day of Doomsday my true love gave to me,
Hell fire for eternity.

On the second day of Doomsday my true love gave to me,
Two-thirds killed, burnt, drowned and sickened,
And a hell fire for eternity.

On the third day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Three Scorpion-copters, stinging me forever,
Two-thirds killed, burnt drowned and sickened
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the fourth day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Four hellish horsemen, bringing an apocalypse
Three Scorpion-copters, stinging me forever,
Two-thirds killed, burnt drowned and sickened
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the fifth day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed,
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the sixth day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
666, stamped on my forehead,
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed,
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the seventh day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Seven seals an’opening, hushing all in heaven
666, stamped on my forehead,
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed,
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the eight day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Eight false prophets, dancing on my dogma
Seven seals an’opening, hushing all in heaven
666, stamped on my forehead,
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed,
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the nineth day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Nine armored saviors, sword tongues-a-slasing
Eight false prophets, dancing on my dogma
Seven seals an’opening, hushing all in heaven
666, stamped on my forehead,
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed,
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the tenth day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Ten horns atop a multiheaded beastie
Nine armored saviors, sword tongues-a-slasing
Eight false prophets, dancing on my dogma
Seven seals an’opening, hushing all in heaven
666, stamped on my forehead,
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed,
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the eleventh day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Eleven hells a-bursting, tons of naked sinners
Ten horns atop a multiheaded beastie
Nine armored saviors, sword tongues-a-slasing
Eight false prophets, dancing on my dogma
Seven seals an’opening, hushing all in heaven
666, stamped on my forehead,
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed,
And a hellfire for eternity.

On the twelfth day of Doomsday my true love gave to me
Twelfth hour terrors, tormenting my end time
Eleven hells a-bursting, tons of naked sinners
Ten horns atop a multiheaded beastie
Nine armored saviors, sword tongues-a-slasing
Eight false prophets, dancing on my dogma
Seven seals an’opening, hushing all in heaven
666, stamped on my forehead,
F-i-v-e h-o-r-r-i-d p-l-a-g-u-e-s!!
Four hellish horsemen,
Three Scorpion-copters,
Two-thirds killed…

And a hellfire for eternity.

 

Happy Holidays, and with tongue in cheek,

John Hogue
(25 December 2002)

Predictions for you.

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